Blind

Blind is to ignore the importance of the truth. People only see what they want to see, not what they need to see. You don’t have to know my life to understand my life. My life isn’t some fairytale, some wonderful dream. My grandparents raised me to be the best that I can be even with them being blind to the realities that they just didn’t know about me. Thinking they knew all this time , yet they did not! There are so many layers to me, at times i don’t even know myself. I surprise myself everyday.

Looking back at all the things that made me who i am, its crazy how people actually go through things like this. It’s funny how people over come these things and move on. My past does hunt me everyday but i refuse to take over my future. Yet there are things that are harder to leave behind, but that is what therapy is for.

There is nothing wrong with seeking the help needed to get understanding and appreciation of life . We can’t handle these things alone even if we think we could. There were times when i felt my life wasn’t worth living. I thought God made a mistake bringing me into this world. Why would He let me have this life? But then i realized that this was to make me stronger. To overcome this shitty world i was brought into . And I did that i overcame.

Touched

Hey everyone! In times of trauma people really don’t get what’s has happen in our lives because we held these things so deep in our minds that when it comes to a head it takes part of your life. People really don’t get what a person has been through until they have been through it. Being touched inappropriately , violated at a young age can take you to a place of the unknown. I have always remembered details of those times and individuals. It’s always someone you know. Being violated as a young teen in a park where people are watching and looking at you as you try to break free is terrifying. Wishing someone would stop this assault, but to them it was entertainment. Laughing as you cry and run away. Feeling empty and embarrassed for what has happened. It changed me! Being felt up by someone you trusted didn’t help either. Wondering why me? Am I a bad person why am I the target. Is this love? Being violated and there is nothing you can do about it is terrifying. Something is wrong with me. I look for love in all the wrong places but yet when I find love my mind is powerful than my will.

How can you tell someone you love what has happen you you without them judging you? It’s hard as hell. All you can do is act like nothing has happened. Between taking anti depressants due to ny mom but also due to those demons that haunt me till this day.

Having to model in my dress slip in front of my mom male friends was a normal thing in our basement apartment. Her laughing. And playing music as I model in my silk slip. Her giving me sips of her wine cooler and trying to get me to take a pull of her cigarette. All while I’m not even in my double digits yet. This is where it all begins. Watching her get beat for not having his money , my grandparents calling the cops and taking me upstairs as he runs away. Was my life destined to be this way? Was I cursed?

100 QUESTIONS

Good evening people, it has been a while since my last post and of course there are some things that needs some attention. I’m 36 years old and just finding out that i indeed have a biological brother and a father that i never met! Thats a lot to handle but answers so many questions to the issues that i dealt with over my childhood. It’s definitely a lot to take in but it puts a lot of things in a different light.

I have aunts and a uncle that i never met and cousins that i have never met. But thank God for social media because we have communicated there. It’s so weird seeing people who you favor its very scary, but i love it. I see one of my cousins and she is beautiful and we favor a lot its crazy. I have a whole other side that i have and even though i lost 36 years its never too late to love and take in.

My brother ( wow i have a brother) he is such a handsome man, well hey our dad was def a good looking man, I see my mom def had a type lolol. Hey shit she liked good looking men. Getting back to my brother, this is a relationship that needs time and patience. I say this because we are siblings that did not grow up together. We have to learn each other moods and ways without offending each other. Being that we are born in the same month we have a lot to learn. He is my eldest however we are both libras so yall know how that is.

Im excited to take on this journey and move forward with my family!

Stay tuned for more.

Who’s the Victim?

Why do we fall for the bullshit? Like why? We are blessed to wake up in the morning when some people don’t. We are able to look out the window and see the sun shining. You think your day is going great and then you realize that someone woke up with the Devil on their back. It’s like night and day. One minute they are good and then then the next they are the devil. But instead of them owning up to the bullshit you become the stomping ground of the bullshit. No matter what you do it’s not enough or its wrong. All because they got issues within themselves. You have done everything you suppose to do yet you get the sharp end . You now become the victim!  They thought they were the victim but no you are! You allowed them to victimize you with their bullshit. You allowed them to take advantage of you and let you take the sharp end. Everything to benefit them not you. They woke up fine even though you thought you woke up great but in reality you woke up with sadness, depression, loneliness, feeling less of a woman. because you allowed it to happen. Now who’s the victim now?

Letting Go!

Letting Go, do we really let go of the things that has gone on or the things that bother us on the regular? That the question I always as myself  ” can i just let it go?”. The answer is no i can’t let it go. It’s just not in me to let shit go, because when shit happens it bothers me and if i don’t have full control of the situation i just cant let it go. Growing up the little things bothered me and i never spoke up about how i really felt about things, which is the cause of me not letting go.  You would think years of therapy would help me get to that point where things just roll over my head.  But it did not, therapy only helped me understand how fucked up i was and how can i unfuck myself!  I truly believe that letting go of things is a way of just forgetting the shit that happen and just forgetting . But  does letting go really help or really get rid of the issue?

Happiness

Hello all, Its been a long time since my last post I’m so sorry, life has definitely took over my life over the last month or so. However I will update you on that later. This post is about HAPPINES!!! What is Happiness? A noun , the state of being happy.  I am starting find my happiness within myself  and I love it. 🥰 I told myself this year that I will not let people or work steal my joy and I have so far done just that. I am no longer allowing people to take over my mind in anger or put me in distress.

Why do we allow people to take over our happiness? Do we submit to their unhappiness? If so why? It’s so easy to be unhappy and so hard at times to be happy. To really be happy within ourselves we have to first find the cause of our unhappiness. Thats the hard part, find the cause. Yet sometimes the cause is right in front of our face and we are too blind to see.

I knew the reason to my unhappiness and it took me a very very long time to take it over and change it. We can only be of good to ourselves if we admit or change the bad in our lives. Yes holding on to unhappiness is bad and is a leech on our inner self.  It sucks everything we have until we have nothing left to fight for. Stop it now !🚫 Drinking , smoking, drugs what ever your vice is stop it. look within and fix what made you unhappy and get happy.

Having a family a home with a fence and dog does not define Happiness , I say this because if you’re fucked up inside all of that don’t mean shit. We have to be happy with in ourselves in order to be happy with that lifestyle God has blessed us with.  Stop blaming people for your shit and take responsibility of your life .  Hang out with people who share the same energy as you in a positive way. Explore things you never done before, get friends that lift you up instead of the friends who put you down so they can be lifted. Stop waiting on people to check on you, fuckem you can’t wait on people who are for you PERIOD!  We need to hold ourselves accountable to our shit and get those negatives out and the positives in. Feed our minds with positive outcomes.

All that matters right now to me is that I’m happy and I don’t care about anything else and that’s what matters!  All feedback is welcomed !!!❤️

2018

Hello all as the year comes to an end lets reflect on how the year turned out for us. This year has been hell in some part but blessings on the other end. It has been a rough year mentally and emotionally . Trying to figure out how to balance myself and what I need to do with everything else in life.  This year has been a learning year, learning all the things my grandparents have taught me and using them to move on in life. What are some reflections you have regarding last year that you would love to use in the new year?

Year 1!

Good morning everyone, it’s been a while since I posted. A lot has been going on and things needed and still needs my attention. But I spared some time to write .

The 23rd is the this month made 1 year since my grandmother passed. Some people ask shouldn’t I be over it by now? Who the fuck ask a dumb as question like that? Well, people do and they are fucked up . Anyway I am still in mourning and I will be in mourning until I can be released from the pain of not having her around to talk to or see. The memories are just not enough . What people don’t understand is that I am the only child , what that means is I have no sibling period . There is no sibling to help with the void. Yes I have cousins, aunts and uncle. But that’s not the same. Yet they feel the pain as well but it different for me because her blood runs in me. When she died part of me died too. My expectations of people have changed and this is why I’m distant from people. Things are definitely not the same for me or anything that is going on in my life. I feel her giving me signs and can’t figure out how to figure out what they mean from her. But I keep pushing through. This thanksgiving I did nothing but sit home with my kids and husband and watch movies and make some fried chicken and empanadas lol . I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. First time in years that I didn’t cook a thanksgiving meal . But maybe next year .

At the end of the day can’t nobody tell me or suggest how i greave or feel about her not being here anymore. Don’t be checking on me after the fact! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Soul cycle part 2

Taking on a task so big was overwhelming, stressful and depressing. Finding things that you never knew and finding things that you forgot were even there. Going in a place that were no longer a place of excitement yet a place of sorrow and pain. I couldn’t go upstairs without someone with me. Just knowing what I saw terrified me to go back and see that spot. Just knowing that I literally lost 3 major people in my life in the same area there just didn’t sit well with me. A lot of history not just happiness but also sadness. Getting rid of things weren’t so easy but easy. Living in disbelief as to what just happened and what is happening. Praying for closure and ease. Praying for my mind and keeping my hair on my head. Trying to stay motivated to even go to work . This all in itself was hard to deal with but yet I did. Having my family help was amazing because I could not have done it without them. Everything was a cycle . Everything mattered , everything is and will be alright !