Transition at What Cost!?!

Today Marks 5 years since my mother transitioned to heaven. To some that’s along time but for me that still feels like today. My life has changed since this day and my mind has since wondered to the anger that fills deep inside of me. The resentment of some people that HELPED in this transition which makes me feel like they should have transitioned too but yet my mother was the weakest link to disaster with help from her own FAMILY.

Yet my mother had responsibility in her transition but it all didn’t fall on her. My mother had her good days and bad days, there were times where she wanted to be better and actually took the steps in getting better. Even stop hanging with some family so she could be better. I remembered there were several times when they would even talk because my mother wanted better and they wanted her to be like them. She failed each time and here we are.

We can’t play the blame game but we can let it be known that I know !!! I know more than people think and even though I as the child wasn’t enough to save her mom that means know one was either.

But let us talk here, how is one to feel? People say well its 5 years she is gone move on! Well guess what I’m not fucking moving on, I’m not letting go until I feel like it. Until people take responsibility for their part I won’t be good. How can people sleep at night knowing that they knew the person who gave that lethal? Yep I wonder too , I even wonder how those same people can look me in the face like they played no role in all of this.

Yet alone moving around living! People will never understand that Traumatic experience that me and my Grandma had to endure. It was a complete shit show. The first night of my mothers heart Attack as I’m at the hospital all day watching her in the ER having seizers and pretty much no brain activity at this point. There were one family member that all she could think of is my mother social security check that she just cashed the morning of, or the money she ” owed” her! Ain’t that some shit? Your family is here on this bed not living and all you can think about is money and the passcode to her ATM card ?? Or clothes she had ordered online that was for “someone” . Or how about coming to the house to “help clean” just so they can find her prescription meds, or take stuff from her closet Who does that??? Do they even care about her? Thats not love at all that’s just insulting and just fucked up!

Looking back at all of this shit it infuriates me to the point I can’t even look at them in the face or anyone involved. My relationships with those people are not the same and it never will, because at the end of the day they don’t even care. This post isn’t to bash anyone, it’s to bring awareness that some people ain’t shit, specially some family. You can’t pick them but you can sure as hell decide who to declare!

Emotional support fail!

Hey everyone, long time but here we go. Life has It’s ups and downs and sometimes people can deal on their own and sometimes they need support! Emotional support is needed to help people who need that someone or something to get them by. Emotional support only helps when the person who is giving the support is honestly and sincerely willing to help you get through.

Emotional support does not mean to hold your hand or walk your walk it’s having someone just being that hug, love , talk, just being that support. Its not meant for them or it to bring you down lower than you felt from the beginning. It’s not a pity party.Thats what I call emotional fail!! A failure because a person who is suppose to be your support isn’t suppose to bring you down when you’re already down. They’re not suppose to cut off your hope .

When people have never experienced what you have been through they can’t understand how to help you. That is fine but if they are willing to listen and understand you they can be that support you need. But why is it so hard to find that? Well I know why! People these days ain’t SHIT they think about themselves. All they care about is how they feel and what they want but never concerned about the person in need. Or they brush off what the person is going through and make it seem like its not that serious. Call them crazy some people even call people in need selfish that they even feel the way they do. How fucked up is that? Emotional fail!!

This post is just a tip of the topics I’m about to talk to y’all about! I’m gonna help you all understand what it’s like to go through something alone and LIVE .

Blind

Blind is to ignore the importance of the truth. People only see what they want to see, not what they need to see. You don’t have to know my life to understand my life. My life isn’t some fairytale, some wonderful dream. My grandparents raised me to be the best that I can be even with them being blind to the realities that they just didn’t know about me. Thinking they knew all this time , yet they did not! There are so many layers to me, at times i don’t even know myself. I surprise myself everyday.

Looking back at all the things that made me who i am, its crazy how people actually go through things like this. It’s funny how people over come these things and move on. My past does hunt me everyday but i refuse to take over my future. Yet there are things that are harder to leave behind, but that is what therapy is for.

There is nothing wrong with seeking the help needed to get understanding and appreciation of life . We can’t handle these things alone even if we think we could. There were times when i felt my life wasn’t worth living. I thought God made a mistake bringing me into this world. Why would He let me have this life? But then i realized that this was to make me stronger. To overcome this shitty world i was brought into . And I did that i overcame.

Touched

Hey everyone! In times of trauma people really don’t get what’s has happen in our lives because we held these things so deep in our minds that when it comes to a head it takes part of your life. People really don’t get what a person has been through until they have been through it. Being touched inappropriately , violated at a young age can take you to a place of the unknown. I have always remembered details of those times and individuals. It’s always someone you know. Being violated as a young teen in a park where people are watching and looking at you as you try to break free is terrifying. Wishing someone would stop this assault, but to them it was entertainment. Laughing as you cry and run away. Feeling empty and embarrassed for what has happened. It changed me! Being felt up by someone you trusted didn’t help either. Wondering why me? Am I a bad person why am I the target. Is this love? Being violated and there is nothing you can do about it is terrifying. Something is wrong with me. I look for love in all the wrong places but yet when I find love my mind is powerful than my will.

How can you tell someone you love what has happen you you without them judging you? It’s hard as hell. All you can do is act like nothing has happened. Between taking anti depressants due to ny mom but also due to those demons that haunt me till this day.

Having to model in my dress slip in front of my mom male friends was a normal thing in our basement apartment. Her laughing. And playing music as I model in my silk slip. Her giving me sips of her wine cooler and trying to get me to take a pull of her cigarette. All while I’m not even in my double digits yet. This is where it all begins. Watching her get beat for not having his money , my grandparents calling the cops and taking me upstairs as he runs away. Was my life destined to be this way? Was I cursed?

100 QUESTIONS

Good evening people, it has been a while since my last post and of course there are some things that needs some attention. I’m 36 years old and just finding out that i indeed have a biological brother and a father that i never met! Thats a lot to handle but answers so many questions to the issues that i dealt with over my childhood. It’s definitely a lot to take in but it puts a lot of things in a different light.

I have aunts and a uncle that i never met and cousins that i have never met. But thank God for social media because we have communicated there. It’s so weird seeing people who you favor its very scary, but i love it. I see one of my cousins and she is beautiful and we favor a lot its crazy. I have a whole other side that i have and even though i lost 36 years its never too late to love and take in.

My brother ( wow i have a brother) he is such a handsome man, well hey our dad was def a good looking man, I see my mom def had a type lolol. Hey shit she liked good looking men. Getting back to my brother, this is a relationship that needs time and patience. I say this because we are siblings that did not grow up together. We have to learn each other moods and ways without offending each other. Being that we are born in the same month we have a lot to learn. He is my eldest however we are both libras so yall know how that is.

Im excited to take on this journey and move forward with my family!

Stay tuned for more.

Who’s the Victim?

Why do we fall for the bullshit? Like why? We are blessed to wake up in the morning when some people don’t. We are able to look out the window and see the sun shining. You think your day is going great and then you realize that someone woke up with the Devil on their back. It’s like night and day. One minute they are good and then then the next they are the devil. But instead of them owning up to the bullshit you become the stomping ground of the bullshit. No matter what you do it’s not enough or its wrong. All because they got issues within themselves. You have done everything you suppose to do yet you get the sharp end . You now become the victim!  They thought they were the victim but no you are! You allowed them to victimize you with their bullshit. You allowed them to take advantage of you and let you take the sharp end. Everything to benefit them not you. They woke up fine even though you thought you woke up great but in reality you woke up with sadness, depression, loneliness, feeling less of a woman. because you allowed it to happen. Now who’s the victim now?

Letting Go!

Letting Go, do we really let go of the things that has gone on or the things that bother us on the regular? That the question I always as myself  ” can i just let it go?”. The answer is no i can’t let it go. It’s just not in me to let shit go, because when shit happens it bothers me and if i don’t have full control of the situation i just cant let it go. Growing up the little things bothered me and i never spoke up about how i really felt about things, which is the cause of me not letting go.  You would think years of therapy would help me get to that point where things just roll over my head.  But it did not, therapy only helped me understand how fucked up i was and how can i unfuck myself!  I truly believe that letting go of things is a way of just forgetting the shit that happen and just forgetting . But  does letting go really help or really get rid of the issue?

Happiness

Hello all, Its been a long time since my last post I’m so sorry, life has definitely took over my life over the last month or so. However I will update you on that later. This post is about HAPPINES!!! What is Happiness? A noun , the state of being happy.  I am starting find my happiness within myself  and I love it. 🥰 I told myself this year that I will not let people or work steal my joy and I have so far done just that. I am no longer allowing people to take over my mind in anger or put me in distress.

Why do we allow people to take over our happiness? Do we submit to their unhappiness? If so why? It’s so easy to be unhappy and so hard at times to be happy. To really be happy within ourselves we have to first find the cause of our unhappiness. Thats the hard part, find the cause. Yet sometimes the cause is right in front of our face and we are too blind to see.

I knew the reason to my unhappiness and it took me a very very long time to take it over and change it. We can only be of good to ourselves if we admit or change the bad in our lives. Yes holding on to unhappiness is bad and is a leech on our inner self.  It sucks everything we have until we have nothing left to fight for. Stop it now !🚫 Drinking , smoking, drugs what ever your vice is stop it. look within and fix what made you unhappy and get happy.

Having a family a home with a fence and dog does not define Happiness , I say this because if you’re fucked up inside all of that don’t mean shit. We have to be happy with in ourselves in order to be happy with that lifestyle God has blessed us with.  Stop blaming people for your shit and take responsibility of your life .  Hang out with people who share the same energy as you in a positive way. Explore things you never done before, get friends that lift you up instead of the friends who put you down so they can be lifted. Stop waiting on people to check on you, fuckem you can’t wait on people who are for you PERIOD!  We need to hold ourselves accountable to our shit and get those negatives out and the positives in. Feed our minds with positive outcomes.

All that matters right now to me is that I’m happy and I don’t care about anything else and that’s what matters!  All feedback is welcomed !!!❤️

2018

Hello all as the year comes to an end lets reflect on how the year turned out for us. This year has been hell in some part but blessings on the other end. It has been a rough year mentally and emotionally . Trying to figure out how to balance myself and what I need to do with everything else in life.  This year has been a learning year, learning all the things my grandparents have taught me and using them to move on in life. What are some reflections you have regarding last year that you would love to use in the new year?