Blind

Blind is to ignore the importance of the truth. People only see what they want to see, not what they need to see. You don’t have to know my life to understand my life. My life isn’t some fairytale, some wonderful dream. My grandparents raised me to be the best that I can be even with them being blind to the realities that they just didn’t know about me. Thinking they knew all this time , yet they did not! There are so many layers to me, at times i don’t even know myself. I surprise myself everyday.

Looking back at all the things that made me who i am, its crazy how people actually go through things like this. It’s funny how people over come these things and move on. My past does hunt me everyday but i refuse to take over my future. Yet there are things that are harder to leave behind, but that is what therapy is for.

There is nothing wrong with seeking the help needed to get understanding and appreciation of life . We can’t handle these things alone even if we think we could. There were times when i felt my life wasn’t worth living. I thought God made a mistake bringing me into this world. Why would He let me have this life? But then i realized that this was to make me stronger. To overcome this shitty world i was brought into . And I did that i overcame.

Touched

Hey everyone! In times of trauma people really don’t get what’s has happen in our lives because we held these things so deep in our minds that when it comes to a head it takes part of your life. People really don’t get what a person has been through until they have been through it. Being touched inappropriately , violated at a young age can take you to a place of the unknown. I have always remembered details of those times and individuals. It’s always someone you know. Being violated as a young teen in a park where people are watching and looking at you as you try to break free is terrifying. Wishing someone would stop this assault, but to them it was entertainment. Laughing as you cry and run away. Feeling empty and embarrassed for what has happened. It changed me! Being felt up by someone you trusted didn’t help either. Wondering why me? Am I a bad person why am I the target. Is this love? Being violated and there is nothing you can do about it is terrifying. Something is wrong with me. I look for love in all the wrong places but yet when I find love my mind is powerful than my will.

How can you tell someone you love what has happen you you without them judging you? It’s hard as hell. All you can do is act like nothing has happened. Between taking anti depressants due to ny mom but also due to those demons that haunt me till this day.

Having to model in my dress slip in front of my mom male friends was a normal thing in our basement apartment. Her laughing. And playing music as I model in my silk slip. Her giving me sips of her wine cooler and trying to get me to take a pull of her cigarette. All while I’m not even in my double digits yet. This is where it all begins. Watching her get beat for not having his money , my grandparents calling the cops and taking me upstairs as he runs away. Was my life destined to be this way? Was I cursed?

100 QUESTIONS

Good evening people, it has been a while since my last post and of course there are some things that needs some attention. I’m 36 years old and just finding out that i indeed have a biological brother and a father that i never met! Thats a lot to handle but answers so many questions to the issues that i dealt with over my childhood. It’s definitely a lot to take in but it puts a lot of things in a different light.

I have aunts and a uncle that i never met and cousins that i have never met. But thank God for social media because we have communicated there. It’s so weird seeing people who you favor its very scary, but i love it. I see one of my cousins and she is beautiful and we favor a lot its crazy. I have a whole other side that i have and even though i lost 36 years its never too late to love and take in.

My brother ( wow i have a brother) he is such a handsome man, well hey our dad was def a good looking man, I see my mom def had a type lolol. Hey shit she liked good looking men. Getting back to my brother, this is a relationship that needs time and patience. I say this because we are siblings that did not grow up together. We have to learn each other moods and ways without offending each other. Being that we are born in the same month we have a lot to learn. He is my eldest however we are both libras so yall know how that is.

Im excited to take on this journey and move forward with my family!

Stay tuned for more.

OMG!

The results are in. Thats what the email title was when the results came in. I was shaking and nervous and scared at the same time. I opened the results and looked at all these numbers and saw that my”brother” was my biological Brother, and that this man who is my twin was indeed my father !!! GTFOH !!!! I froze at the screen. I was happy because my brother have gained a relationship and i always wanted a brother.But i was sad because my mom lied to me and held information all those years. I have another side of family I now have to meet and grow with. These same family that knew of me now see me !

My close cousin and i talk all the time and i called her crying because i was in shock and she was right! now here is the kicker. Remember in the last post i mention my cousins aunt ? Well now my cousin aunt is now my 2nd cousin lol can isn’t that amazing news :). My father was my cousins father 1st cousin. So me and my cousins are double cousins lol. our DNA are all connected and we are very close in the chain.

I now have a brother and guess what yall i’m an auntie as well . I have a niece and i’m so happy about it. God has given me what i needed , there is always the right time for everything and this was the time.

As far are my anger towards my mom, i’m very upset , more so upset that she isn’t here to talk about the bullshit. I’m upset that i now have ashes of a man who i thought was my dad I’m also upset that i lost almost 37 years not knowing my family. I lost being there for my brother when my niece was born, having him at my wedding. My family at my wedding period. My life growing up was crazy! to be continued …..

Brother Who???

Years ago a close cousin of mine told me I had a brother. I’m like “no I don’t, my dad only has me”. Her response was we not talking about him we talking about your real father. WHAT!! How? Who? and Why?. This is what was going in my mind like how could this be. My mom and dad were married. Who would ever think that their parents can be in such a scandal. Thinking my life was fucked up but damn its worst. So my cousin set up so i can meet this so called brother. I met him and we talked but i wasn’t sold. How can you say i have a father and brother with no picture of the father to go by? So i confronted my mom about it and she denied it and got very upset. So upset that she stopped talking to my close cousin and her mom as well. Yet my mom NEVER denied knowing this mystery “FATHER’. Things got really bad, so bad that i stopped talking to my best cousin as well and didn’t even invite her to my wedding years later 😦 . How would you feel in my shoes? your family throwing this info to you and you don’t know what to do because the person who can cosign the truth denies it. So years go by, we talking about i,m married almost 11 years with 2 kids later and I’m at my Aunt (older cousin we call them aunt because they are older to be our parents, its a black thing lol) Funeral and i’m with my close cousins in North Carolina and their aunt is looking at me and said to me that she is sorry but i look like her 1s’t cousin. So in my mind im like “here we go” so im like you have a pic of him. She didn’t at the time so i was like get me a pic. She said to me that she is positive im his daughter and i’m his twin. Mind you i always liked her because my cousins always talked about their favorite auntie and i was so jealous of all she did for them. Funny right! and she is BEAUTIFUL.

Good evening everyone!! This post is a very interesting post and a life changer. Earlier in my blog journey I had mentioned in a post that at times I felt that there were something missing from me. Well lets get to the beginning.

2 years later from that day my cousin mentions my possible “brother” and i asked how he was and everything. A month later i get a facebook request from my “brother”. So i’m like ok i’ll accept his request. At this point my mother is deceased, so she can’t fight me lol. He sends me a message saying “are we gonna do this DNA test or what?” im like send a picture of this man . So i received the pic of him and i dropped my phone to the ground because what i saw was a man who looked like me . I was his twin, i went and took out my baby pictures lol and was looking and i saw him and was scared to face the reality that this man is possibly my father and this man is possibly my brother. So i was like yes lets do this. I grew up thinking i was the only child. Thinking that it was just me. Always wishing i had a sibling. God had His time to open that door for me. But now we must wait!

Who’s the Victim?

Why do we fall for the bullshit? Like why? We are blessed to wake up in the morning when some people don’t. We are able to look out the window and see the sun shining. You think your day is going great and then you realize that someone woke up with the Devil on their back. It’s like night and day. One minute they are good and then then the next they are the devil. But instead of them owning up to the bullshit you become the stomping ground of the bullshit. No matter what you do it’s not enough or its wrong. All because they got issues within themselves. You have done everything you suppose to do yet you get the sharp end . You now become the victim!  They thought they were the victim but no you are! You allowed them to victimize you with their bullshit. You allowed them to take advantage of you and let you take the sharp end. Everything to benefit them not you. They woke up fine even though you thought you woke up great but in reality you woke up with sadness, depression, loneliness, feeling less of a woman. because you allowed it to happen. Now who’s the victim now?

Letting Go!

Letting Go, do we really let go of the things that has gone on or the things that bother us on the regular? That the question I always as myself  ” can i just let it go?”. The answer is no i can’t let it go. It’s just not in me to let shit go, because when shit happens it bothers me and if i don’t have full control of the situation i just cant let it go. Growing up the little things bothered me and i never spoke up about how i really felt about things, which is the cause of me not letting go.  You would think years of therapy would help me get to that point where things just roll over my head.  But it did not, therapy only helped me understand how fucked up i was and how can i unfuck myself!  I truly believe that letting go of things is a way of just forgetting the shit that happen and just forgetting . But  does letting go really help or really get rid of the issue?

Happiness

Hello all, Its been a long time since my last post I’m so sorry, life has definitely took over my life over the last month or so. However I will update you on that later. This post is about HAPPINES!!! What is Happiness? A noun , the state of being happy.  I am starting find my happiness within myself  and I love it. 🥰 I told myself this year that I will not let people or work steal my joy and I have so far done just that. I am no longer allowing people to take over my mind in anger or put me in distress.

Why do we allow people to take over our happiness? Do we submit to their unhappiness? If so why? It’s so easy to be unhappy and so hard at times to be happy. To really be happy within ourselves we have to first find the cause of our unhappiness. Thats the hard part, find the cause. Yet sometimes the cause is right in front of our face and we are too blind to see.

I knew the reason to my unhappiness and it took me a very very long time to take it over and change it. We can only be of good to ourselves if we admit or change the bad in our lives. Yes holding on to unhappiness is bad and is a leech on our inner self.  It sucks everything we have until we have nothing left to fight for. Stop it now !🚫 Drinking , smoking, drugs what ever your vice is stop it. look within and fix what made you unhappy and get happy.

Having a family a home with a fence and dog does not define Happiness , I say this because if you’re fucked up inside all of that don’t mean shit. We have to be happy with in ourselves in order to be happy with that lifestyle God has blessed us with.  Stop blaming people for your shit and take responsibility of your life .  Hang out with people who share the same energy as you in a positive way. Explore things you never done before, get friends that lift you up instead of the friends who put you down so they can be lifted. Stop waiting on people to check on you, fuckem you can’t wait on people who are for you PERIOD!  We need to hold ourselves accountable to our shit and get those negatives out and the positives in. Feed our minds with positive outcomes.

All that matters right now to me is that I’m happy and I don’t care about anything else and that’s what matters!  All feedback is welcomed !!!❤️

2018

Hello all as the year comes to an end lets reflect on how the year turned out for us. This year has been hell in some part but blessings on the other end. It has been a rough year mentally and emotionally . Trying to figure out how to balance myself and what I need to do with everything else in life.  This year has been a learning year, learning all the things my grandparents have taught me and using them to move on in life. What are some reflections you have regarding last year that you would love to use in the new year?