Pain! 

So, some of you may know that I lost my mom 2 years ago December 12th. We had what you call a love hate relationship for reasons I will explain in a future post. But I loved her so much and I love her so much I’m in so much pain that I can’t talk to her, see her or even be mad at her lol. She used to drive me so crazy I would get a headache just talking to her sometimes but in the end I still missed her when we hung up or when she hung up on me lol. Growing up she didn’t raise me. My grandparents raised me, but she was there at times. When I was young I didn’t really understand the difference of her not rasing me I just thought we were a big family in one house. Anyway, my mom have been sick for years but the year she died that time was unexpected but expected (I’ll explain later). I remember the last weekend seeing her. My husband and I dropped off our kids to her and we went to my bestfriends 40th birthday party. We had a great time and the next day I picked them up and she was mad at me because I didn’t give her what she asked for (money). We had words and I walked out, that was the last time I ever spoke to her again. That Wednesday I’m at work and my grandma is calling me, she never calls me during work it’s normally in the evening so of course I pick up. She is crying telling me my “mom isn’t breathing the ambulance just picked her up you have to go to the hospital “. So I’m pissed and worried because my grandma can be abut dramatic so I took it lightly. As I arrived to the hospital and saw my mother laying there having seizers I was sick with pain. I could not believe what I was seeing. I thought I was in a dream, this could not be happening. That was not my mother. I could not deal with this. Being an only child who was I going to talk to that could understand this pain.So the doctors call me over asking me questions on her history and of course I tell them. They then tell me that she had a heartattack and was out of oxygen for over 10 mins. She was now in a medical induced coma. What was I to do, all I did was pray for God to give me mother another chance at life. I wanted her to hear me and curse me out again lol. I wanted to be with her and hug her like old times. During this time I was very very angry and numb. I had to make a choice and it was a hard choice to make.53 years old is to young to die, I couldn’t comprehend what to do. Everyday I was at the hospital from the morning to the evening. I had the kids to worry about and a husband . I knew they were ok but I still thought of them. She laid there lifeless and everyone who knew my mother she was far from that. She had so much life and she was funny too. She was my mom. She gave me life but know I had to choose to keep hers or end it. This was the choice I had to make and a hard one it was. I decided to let her be free. That day was December 10th she was officially on hospice care, I watched them remove the tubes and she laid there trying to breathe. My grandma (her mom)was with me, we were each others support.  During this time my church family and my cousins were with me during the hospital visits and emotionally during this time. On Thursday the 11th I took grandma with me to see her , she was so peaceful and looked like she had life. She was breathing so nicely and color was good ,she was glowing. I wanted to bring the kids to see her so I took my grandmother home and my aunt came to stay with my mom overnight. I was gonna bring the kids up after I got home from work the next day. As I’m driving my grandma home a “Mary Mary” song called “it is well” played in my car and I thought this song played for a long time longer than usual but I didn’t think of nothing. I was still numb and in pain. Friday December 12th I’m at work with a patient and she was getting on my nerves so much that I asked a co worker to take over. I get back to my desk and my phone is going off like crazy! Mind you I spoke to the doc a hour before to check on her. Called the doc back and as she was talking my heart fell from my body. I felt lifeless, numb, hurt, sad. I could not deal with this pain nor what I was hearing, even though I know it was going to happen I just thought I had one more time to see her. I drove to the hospital by the grace of God because I wasn’t driving mentally I was in the twilight zone. I saw my mom laying there sleeping with he angels and peaceful. I laid with her until her body turned cold. I didn’t want to leave her. I needed to be with her she needed me. What was I going to do now that she is gone. Who am I going to vent to and speak freely with. Who was I gonna called to talk about our shows. Who was gonna get on my nerves. I was officially an orphan. My pain hurts so bad, it’s Pain that you can’t understand unless you have experienced this. This is my truth, my testimony, part of my pain. 

12 thoughts on “Pain! 

  1. Shannon I never knew what happened to her. You are brave to even write about this bc two years isn’t that long ago. I hope that this journey brings you peace and comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so glad you have an outlet to release what you are and have been feeling. I don’t know the pain you have but I pray God comforts and heal that pain. I know that I miss her making fun of my voice every time I talked to her and just being annoying 😆😆. But know that I am here for whenever and whatever. Love you 😘 😘 #RIHAuntCassie😘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Shannon, your honesty and your heartfelt emotion is so moving. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of this. And that Cassie was taken away too soon. Life is too much at times. Yet you made it through. And you’re stronger for it. And no matter, your mom will always be with you – she’s forever in your DNA. You’ll see her in yourself, in your kids, in the flowers that bloom, and you’ll hear her in the music, in the wind. It’s different now – but I know she’s very much alive in you. Sending you peace and love. XO Amy
    P.S. I wish I could have been there for you

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m officially a blog reader. Keep up the great work girl. This is really an awesome outlet. When people tell you their stories and testimonies it helps you to inderstand them better. I really love this Shannon.

    Liked by 1 person

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