During this time of my life it was very confusing and very difficult to understand what was really going on. All I knew was that every year I had to go to this big building with a lot of people. Questions beyond questions. What was I supposed to do I was a child. Mommy went to live in Buffalo for a while, me and grandad went to visit christmas for a couple of years. It was fun but I was sad I had to leave but at least I got more presents when I got home , it was like I had Christmas twice.
Every month I had a visitor , she came ever month and I was so annoyed that she had to come. Why was she asking me questions about if I was happy? Why did she ask my grandma about me all the time, about my mom ? It was none of her business I thought. All I wanted to do was play with my barbies and keep it moving lol. She was nice though , pretty and young. She came with us every year to this big building and sometimes my mom was there too. This person in this long robe would ask me questions about my mom and dad , I would answer but really didn’t know if my answers was what he wanted because nothing changed when I went home.
Around this time of my life I used to see my dad once in a while. He would always send stuff to the house or give grandma money so that I could have what I want. He called me princess. I thought that this was the way things were. I didn’t think anything negative because I was too young to understand . But mom and dad yelled at each other and then they were apart and then I was separated from them. That’s how my mind thought. Maybe I did something wrong , to cause all the yearly meetings and monthly visits from strangers. I felt like I was the cause of this and that’s when I began to get angry with everyone! I wasn’t a happy child at all, I was miserable and sad. But being an angry child you would think I would lash out, sometimes but most of the time I kept all my feelings in and this was the beginning of everything to come.
Holding my feelings, my thoughts, my wants and needs. I was afraid to say how I felt because I felt if I did it would cause an issue and I would be separated from my family, like they separated me from my mom and dad. During this time I was in a dark place at 7-8 years of age and that’s not a great thing. Plus being an only child didn’t help either. The only person I could play with was myself or my cousins whenever my grandmother felt I could go play. It was either school , church, or home. I thought this is how life was suppose to be , no social life just those 3 things . Stay tuned !