“Slut” that’s what I called her. Her as in my 4th grade teacher I called her a fuckin slut. She used to get on my nerves all the time, pick on me and she wasn’t very nice. She got me so angry I snapped on her. Of course it wasn’t so great when I got home because grandma already got the call. Yep I was in trouble had to apologize and everything but I felt like why did I have to, she was picking on me and being nasty to me so I gave her what she deserve. That’s what I thought but I did apologize but for some reason she was nice to me from then on. Maybe that’s what she needed. That was the beginning of my anger issues. Eventually I knew it would show its face and it did. Me holding in my thought for too long resulted in this inner person inside of me that could no longer hold it in. So of course the counselor suggested to my grandma I go to a therapist. Ok so now I have to see some lady I don’t know and I honestly didn’t feel like telling her nothing. She knew my family history anyway so why did I have to talk to her about it? I didn’t understand so of course I said nothing and was nasty to her because I didn’t want to be there. Every Tuesday going to see her was a drag . All I wanted to do was play with my dolls and do their hair.
So here I am cause issues being a bother because now my grandmother had to drive me to elmhurst for therapy. Now I feel bad because now I’m a bigger burden. Not only did she take care of me but now she has to take me places because of my actions.
During this time in school I was active in church, choir, Girl Scouts etc. I loved and hated it all the time. I wanted to sleep in, I hand no time to get up on my weeekends going to rehearsal. I rather sleep in, I didn’t really care about nothing. But of course I had to get up or I would have to hear my grandma whine with the bull. Even granddaddy got mad at her whining she used to get on his nerves with all her pray crating and crazyness. lol I think this is when I realized that some stuff I just couldn’t believe it just didn’t feel right. But I went ahead with it. I felt like she was just to dramatic it would get on my nerves like she was not sincere with all that pray crying I called it. It was a bit too much for me. But what ever it is what it is in my eyes I could care less. But this was one of the things I did tell my therapist, that it bothered me but when we would meet with grandma , grandma wouldn’t listen. She didn’t care and that’s how I felt. It didn’t matter what I said because when it was brought to her attention she didn’t care, so why bother. This was an ongoing thing every week, nothing was resolved. But what I wanted to know was why didn’t my parents want me around them. Was I such a bad child that they couldn’t take care of me? So that’s when I decided I should just keep everything in and don’t say nothing and maybe they would come back to be with me. But things changed , they changed so drastic that I didn’t know what was going on until later in life. My actions had a reaction so I thought. Off to the city we go! Stay tuned