My dreams are so crazy it’s scary . So scary that you think you are living the dream. But guess what I did live that dream. I haven’t slept well since November 23, 2017 5:15am . The worst dream of my life. Speaking to her the night before and cooking to prepare for thanksgiving. Because she always love my cooking because I cook like her. And yes it’s the bomb!! Getting her ride together for her pick up to my house. To wake up to a call the morning saying they can’t get in. My heart stopped . I got in my car and drove to queens. I had to be doing 100 on the southern state and as I’m driving to her house my heart fell to the ground because I know my grandma she is a light sleeper she always pick up the phone. Speciallywhe. Family is coming to the house. I open the door and walk in , I go upstairs and I see her laying there on the floor I felt I died too. I thought i was dreaming seeing her there on the floor never got in her bed just laying there on the dark , never got a chance to even turn the light on. She just fell dead. How can she die ? I wasn’t ready for her to die. We just spoke, I was looking forward to seeing her and feeding her and showing her how well she raised me. She was so proud of me. She raised me well. Yet I wasn’t there to prevent her from dying, if i was there I could have talked to her or even did CPR . I could have saved her. But as she would say it was her time and I honestly feel like she knew it was her time because of the way she was talking to me and how she was talking to me the night before. She told me about how her sister wasn’t calling her like she used to but she was going to find out why. How she was concerned about her house and her bills, But I know why! I’m her child I will always find out why. we talk everyday , who am I going to talk to now. She was my supporter and my life. My kids loved their great gma she was so important. I wish I could have saved her but she laid there all night long dead. Maybe I should have picked her up that night , or maybe I should have called her and stayed on the phone all night and she would have been alive. Why did she have to leave me so soon. . I did pray to the Lord and asked that she would see me get married, have kids and buy a home . But who knew God would be so literal with my request. I wanted her to be around forever ! But He knew best. But why do I dream of her laid on the floor dead every night ? I close my eyes and all I see is her body and face lifeless on the floor on her side . And me laying on the floor with her till the funeral home came. Now I must do what she expects of me.

4 thoughts on “Dreams

  1. Oh baby.
    It’s the hardest thing.
    Heartbreaking to lose your best friend.
    I keep thinking of you on Thanksgiving Day.
    I don’t know how you did it.
    I keep reading about dying and how it’s such a natural part of life.
    It’s so hard to let go, though. So very painful.
    You know I’m on a similar path with my mom right now. And not a day goes by that I’m not grateful to have this time to say goodbye.
    But still. It’s going to break my spirit when she passes.
    I know grandma is so proud of you. And your family. You made her SO proud. You make me SO proud.
    You were so lucky to have her raise you.
    And she was even more lucky with you in her life.
    You have generations of ancestors in your cells, Shannon. In your DNA, living life thru you.
    I know you feel her.
    Set her soul free to live beside you, inside you and her warm hugs and her wise voice will replace your thoughts of her lying dead on the floor.
    She’s not dead, lying there on the floor.
    She’s free. She’s transformed. She’s living inside you.
    When you have that nightmare, see if you can talk to her and tell her she’ll always be with you. And you’re going to be ok. She’ll see. You’re gonna do all those things she expects you to do. You’re going to carry on her legacy.

    And you’re going to call me! We need to hold each other tight. And get thru this together, little sis.
    Get your calendar out and look for a time to bring the family to SF. You’ll crash with us and we’ll catch up on sisterly bonding. And we’ll tour the family around and do goofy things like we used to do when we first met!

    I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Shan, I know many say that get it or it gets better but we know better. The Wednesday before my daddy died replays in my head everyday. Why didn’t I take him to the hospital? Why didn’t we get to the hospital that Saturday in time? Maybe hearing my voice would have made his pulse stronger. I blame myself everyday. However, They would NOT want us to feel guilt. Like you, I prayed for God to allow him to see my accomplishments. The last accomplishment was becoming a mommy. Even though it was for only 8 months, his face was lit everyday when he saw Jr.
    Please hang in there. I know I’m beyond due to see you but please know that I’m here and I get it. We won’t be the same without them but our support team is everything. I love you, mean it!

    Liked by 1 person

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