FriENDs

How many of us have them!?! A simple question to ask really . How many do we have and do we really feel that they are our friends. Friends come and go which is why the word friend also have the word end in it. It is a relationship that can either stand strong or end wrong ( hey that rhymes lol) . But in all seriousness it is normal to feel away when things go wrong. We also have to be open minded as well. You can’t expect people to do what you would do, which means you can’t get mad if they don’t react the way you would . Also ask yourself are your friends moving in the direction you are moving in life? Sometimes the friends we grew up with or had long term through school moves in different directions than you. Some are good and some are bad. ” birds of a feather flock together”they say. It is true in a sense that you have friends that are not motivating , weak, lazy, just all around fucked up. You tend to follow that path as well. But the friends that are goal getters, life changers pushers . Live at high expectations, motivates you, are the ones that should be around in your life. Know one should settle for less in any relationship . Your friends help lead you to greatness. They tell you the truth even if you don’t want to here it and they are ride or die. You sit back and analyze your friends. You tell yourself who has been there motivating you giving you advice even when you know they are right and you get mad but you knew you needed that. You ask yourself what path am I taking. Remember everyone isn’t your friend . There are a lot of pretenders!

Sometimes you have to sit back to look at!

Good morning world, sometimes you have to sit back to look at how fucked up the world or people can be. Things in our lives sometimes have no meaning until you sit back and look at it from afar. You watch people ways that you didn’t see before until they show you who they are. For example you say something most likely the truth and some will be ok but then some feel away . Well the truth shall set you free. At that moment you sit back to look at how they change the things they use to do 🤔. Then the true self appear . See when your a child you don’t know any better, you don’t know how to look at adults until you become one yourself. The same people who were adults when you were young are now starting to show themselves in a different light when you start speaking truth. They change , they act different. It’s sad but true. But this is why you have to sit back to look at. People will show you who they are eventually.and when that day comes you can just let them burry themselves.

Stress

Good evening people, so it’s been a while . Reason for the title for today’s blog. These past five months have def taken a toll on me. My mind and my well being. I have taken on things that I prob should have thought more about , things that I didn’t think were going to be all on me and things that I knew where going to be on me. All to say that the stress of it all has def taken a toll on my health and my mindset. And with all this i have not really given myself time to really sit back and realize that my grandma is gone and is never coming back .Alopecia has come again and my body has shut down. The last time I have been this sick was when i had the flu years ago. I’m at my end, I’m beginning to be resentful and that’s not good. Stress is a killer and we have to learn how to deal with things to not let stress take us over. Sometimes people don’t care to or just really don’t understand what actions go into becoming stressed. I wrote this post to share that nothing that brings us harm to our mind, body and soul is worth it . We must be able to just pray on it and let God lead us and take that worry away.

There is more than just you!

Good morning people! There is more than just you! Everything can’t always be about you, and that is fine. We have to learn to set aside ourselves to fully understand people and what they have going on. We get so excited about things going on in our lives , which is great but we forget that the people in our lives are going through difficult times, we forget that sometimes. Not like we have to stop living our lives but we def need to learn to not be selfish. Understanding is key.

Dreams

My dreams are so crazy it’s scary . So scary that you think you are living the dream. But guess what I did live that dream. I haven’t slept well since November 23, 2017 5:15am . The worst dream of my life. Speaking to her the night before and cooking to prepare for thanksgiving. Because she always love my cooking because I cook like her. And yes it’s the bomb!! Getting her ride together for her pick up to my house. To wake up to a call the morning saying they can’t get in. My heart stopped . I got in my car and drove to queens. I had to be doing 100 on the southern state and as I’m driving to her house my heart fell to the ground because I know my grandma she is a light sleeper she always pick up the phone. Speciallywhe. Family is coming to the house. I open the door and walk in , I go upstairs and I see her laying there on the floor I felt I died too. I thought i was dreaming seeing her there on the floor never got in her bed just laying there on the dark , never got a chance to even turn the light on. She just fell dead. How can she die ? I wasn’t ready for her to die. We just spoke, I was looking forward to seeing her and feeding her and showing her how well she raised me. She was so proud of me. She raised me well. Yet I wasn’t there to prevent her from dying, if i was there I could have talked to her or even did CPR . I could have saved her. But as she would say it was her time and I honestly feel like she knew it was her time because of the way she was talking to me and how she was talking to me the night before. She told me about how her sister wasn’t calling her like she used to but she was going to find out why. How she was concerned about her house and her bills, But I know why! I’m her child I will always find out why. we talk everyday , who am I going to talk to now. She was my supporter and my life. My kids loved their great gma she was so important. I wish I could have saved her but she laid there all night long dead. Maybe I should have picked her up that night , or maybe I should have called her and stayed on the phone all night and she would have been alive. Why did she have to leave me so soon. . I did pray to the Lord and asked that she would see me get married, have kids and buy a home . But who knew God would be so literal with my request. I wanted her to be around forever ! But He knew best. But why do I dream of her laid on the floor dead every night ? I close my eyes and all I see is her body and face lifeless on the floor on her side . And me laying on the floor with her till the funeral home came. Now I must do what she expects of me.

17

The big ole 17. What a number . Yet let’s talk about that. Me raised in the church from a baby to knowing the bible , getting baptized and loving the Lord . To having a baby at 19. And guess what she turns 17 this year. Going to college and coming home and welcomed by church members of the senior choir asking me if I’m going to keep the baby, yea you read right! Mind you only telling one person before I left for college to come back to the whole church knowing 😒. Church folks that knew me from birth talking abut me like i ain’t shit and saying things like I’m not gonna find out. Makes you think how fucked up a church can be. They turn their backs on you when you know longer fit their needs or expectations on life . When half of them was hoes, crackheads and straight up savages in their day and prob till this day. Know wonder they can’t keep a congregation and broke God don’t like ugly. Which is why i haven’t gone back . Mind you yes I did have both my kids Christened there and the Pastor marry me and my husband at the reception all . All that was done out of respect for my Grandmother. other than that we would have had a judge . Yep I said it that is how i feel . To have been there for so long I was there when we had great people even when we had a pastor that divided the church and come to find out he wasn’t even an ordained minister yet he brainwashed members and the church divided . It wasn’t the same since. Yet they got a new one but he wasn’t their first choice but he made due. But hey it,God’s plan right?This is why I don’t go back there and why I am so questioning joining other churches because I can’t believe “Christians ” can be so fucked up. And why I have a sour taste for “that church ” people always say their is a dm dark cloud over that place all the time. We all should wonder why. The big 17 is a great number my child is healthy and loved and live in a loving home that her ” parents ” provides ” ! This is my story if you don’t like it that’s not my problem, the truth hurts don’t it !!

Is it me?

Hey everyone ! So is it just me that take sad movies to the next level? I feel like when you watch movies and you cry it’s because something in that movie made you think of something in your life in a different way. Like you every watch a romance sad movie and cry. I feel like we don’t cry only because it’s sad but because we are lacking what really matters in that movie that makes us sad and cry. Do you agree? Or nah?

“The Scare”

Life! What is life when you don’t live it!?! Well in life we go through things that we can’t explain or rather not explain. We keep moments In our lives that’s scary to ourselves. When people see you they have know clue what your going through because you don’t look like your going through anything. Just because someone looks alright doesn’t mean they are alright. I have had people say what they need from me yet they don’t ask what I need from them. Assuming that everything in my life is A ok! They must be mistaken. Well about 6-7 years ago i had the worst scare of my life complaining about pain in my breast to blood coming out my nipples. Only to have immediate surgery scheduled the very next week. Come to find out It wasn’t cancer but it was a papilloma that would have turned into cancer if I didn’t say a word. My hair literally fell out, I had alopecia from the stress . Who would of thought that this could happen to me? Well it did but God had other plans for my life. Having complications with my wound , having to get it drained and packed for two weeks wasn’t fun. All of this going on while I still lived my life as usual no time for the pity but i will tell you that I will not forget who was there! We never forget who. Moving forward to present day. February here we go again same pain in the same breast as before , but this time there is a nice size lump i felt. What is going through my mind is not a good thing but I had my faith in the Lord to pull me through whatever it would be. Having to do a mammogram, sonogram and then a Biopsy to figure out what what growing or what was just chilling in my breast. This has been a terrible terrible month and just nerve recking to think the worst. Thinking about my kids, my husband . Worrying about if I have enough life insurance ,do i need more. ?All these things come to mind when you think of the worst. I couldn’t call my mom nor my grandma cause they are gone. So petty much I just called on the Lord. Here I am back at it again I asked why me? Thinking of all the things that is going on in my life this year I definitely didn’t need this. But God had more plans for my life this time because all care back clear. What a relief but that doesn’t stop me from being scared because I’m on watch . I write this to make everyone aware that you must take care of yourself. Check yourself, go to the doctor. Early detection is better than late . Be kind to others because you don’t know what a person is going through. Everyone has their struggles and we have to respect it. My family and health will always come first. I will no longer stress about things that are not in my control.

Grandma

It took me almost 3 months to write this post ! You think you have more time but let me tell you, time don’t care for you. I thought I had more time gone with her to love her to show her how I turned out but God had more plans for her than me.

My grandma was my heart and soul she raised me because my mother and father couldn’t . She showed me things that I didn’t think I would have ever seen. She kept me safe and in church . She maid me laugh and cry and love. She was strict but as an adult I understand why. God made sure she was able to see me get married , have kids, buy a house .My grandma was my mother and father . She was my heart and soul, my everything .

On November 22nd I was taking to her about arrangements on her getting to my house for Thanksgiving dinner and what I was making . I was so excited because she loves my cooking of course because I cook like her and let’s just say I cook my ass off . Thanks Grandma for that lol. And her baby sister and nieces and Nephew was coming from North Carolina. As well she she was really happy.

My heart nearly stopped when I got a call that she did pick up her phone when my great aunt called to say they where here. They called me and i led my house with no bra I didn’t even brush my teeth I got in my car an drove to her house in queens. I was flying doing almost 100 mph getting to her house because I knew something wasn’t right . I got to her house, opened her door and went upstairs to find her dead , gone, cold, lifeless on the floor in my grandpas room.

This was the worst day of my life . I just spoke with her. We talk everyday. Why today? Why now? WhY did she leave me? Thanksgivings day I find her dead gone from my life ! She is never coming back, I will never hear her voice again, I will never smell her scent, hug her, talk to her ,laugh with her . Talk to her about her Great Grands.

My heart it broken, I have dreams of seeing her dead every night . It’s just not right. I question God on why he had to take her from me now. Why he had to take her before I can get all my time in? I’m so lost its not even a game . I honestly don’t know what to do without her . She was all i had besides my kids and husband . Who am I going to talk to on my way home from work everyday ?life is just not the same. Anymore .

Her funeral was so packed , the church was packed and the balcony was full she shined light on people lives for long term . Students she taught Sunday school too came to her funeral . People I haven’t seen in years came . She was loved and missed. So many people Came that the guest book you needed two – three books .

Writing thank you letters is so final for me I’m just now starting to write out cards for people. It’s not easy and I refuse to be rushed . At the end of the day I must get my life in order for her. To continue to make her proud ! My life has not been the same since Thanksgiving

Finding me within myself!

Good morning all!

It has been a long time since I Blessed y’all with a post . A lot has happened within the past few months but I will fill you all in later.

I don’t know if y’all know but I have been struggling with my weight for about 9 years(officially ). It has been a very hard journey and nothing has happened to solve this issue. I have children my first child I was very young and the weight did come off some but not to what I was before her. At that time I could still recognized myself. And I was cool with that. Years after I got engaged and started planning our wedding. Things were ok at first.I got my dress and it was falling off of me which was so great. But that’s when things changed. I was stressed trying to make things right and that’s when I realized I was an emotional eater. Some women lose weight when stressed and some gain. Well I gained and when I say I gained I mean when it was time for my fittings they didn’t have to take in much at all. I pretty much filled into the dress. So this was the beginning of my downfall. We had our son and the pregnancy went well, however I was gaining weight . When I gave birth I had postpartum depression. Having my son I was so happy he is my pride and joy however I felt alone. Some people do t understand postpartum, they don’t get it until they go through it themselves. I came down a little with the eight but I have been in that weight zone going on 9 years now. The weight has not come off and I feel myself stretching . My clothes don’t fit right I don’t like shopping g for clothes because i know they won’t look the way I want them too. Skinny people irritate me lol. It’s a whole mess .

People say the dumbest shit like how can you feel alone when you have a husband and kids and a home and a dog? Or they would say you nothing to be down or stressed about! Yea ok just because someone has the “American dream family” doesn’t mean your life is glitter and gold. Life period will fuck you up period.

But what I had to find was myself inside of me. Finding that place inside of me that motivated me to be and do better . To feel better because you can’t feel better if you don’t motivate yourself to feel better. I always care about things that I shouldn’t care about. Letting small stuff get me down . You gotta be strong and fight the fight of health and wealth. If I want to live I need to act like I want to live instead of feeding myself like I want to die. And that’s how you find yourself within yourself fighting for your life to live ! Be free