Year 1!

Good morning everyone, it’s been a while since I posted. A lot has been going on and things needed and still needs my attention. But I spared some time to write .

The 23rd is the this month made 1 year since my grandmother passed. Some people ask shouldn’t I be over it by now? Who the fuck ask a dumb as question like that? Well, people do and they are fucked up . Anyway I am still in mourning and I will be in mourning until I can be released from the pain of not having her around to talk to or see. The memories are just not enough . What people don’t understand is that I am the only child , what that means is I have no sibling period . There is no sibling to help with the void. Yes I have cousins, aunts and uncle. But that’s not the same. Yet they feel the pain as well but it different for me because her blood runs in me. When she died part of me died too. My expectations of people have changed and this is why I’m distant from people. Things are definitely not the same for me or anything that is going on in my life. I feel her giving me signs and can’t figure out how to figure out what they mean from her. But I keep pushing through. This thanksgiving I did nothing but sit home with my kids and husband and watch movies and make some fried chicken and empanadas lol . I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. First time in years that I didn’t cook a thanksgiving meal . But maybe next year .

At the end of the day can’t nobody tell me or suggest how i greave or feel about her not being here anymore. Don’t be checking on me after the fact! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Soul cycle part 2

Taking on a task so big was overwhelming, stressful and depressing. Finding things that you never knew and finding things that you forgot were even there. Going in a place that were no longer a place of excitement yet a place of sorrow and pain. I couldn’t go upstairs without someone with me. Just knowing what I saw terrified me to go back and see that spot. Just knowing that I literally lost 3 major people in my life in the same area there just didn’t sit well with me. A lot of history not just happiness but also sadness. Getting rid of things weren’t so easy but easy. Living in disbelief as to what just happened and what is happening. Praying for closure and ease. Praying for my mind and keeping my hair on my head. Trying to stay motivated to even go to work . This all in itself was hard to deal with but yet I did. Having my family help was amazing because I could not have done it without them. Everything was a cycle . Everything mattered , everything is and will be alright !

Soul cycle!

Good morning , it has been a very very long time since i blessed y’all with a post. A lot has happened within the last 10 months. Between my grandmothers passing and the passing of my heart and soul. To the passing of my sanity and passing of respect of people that showed who they are. But all will be explained.

My soul has been through a cycle of hurt, hate , depression and failure to understand. In life we know what will come but when it comes we are not prepared for that part. I knew what was coming but I was not prepared. I felt like God took my foundation from me. The cycle that was known became unknown and that hurt me deep.

Being left in charge of something big was a task that I couldn’t fail the pressure was on me. But I had to make sure that what I had in front of me went smoothly. But it didn’t the roads got rough and reality came on full effect. Some people think it’s a 1,2,3 type of thing but what they don’t get is it’s a long very long 1,2,3 step gig.

Wait for part 2

Checkout

Good evening all!

Things have been on my mind and most of it is due to life. Which is fine because that’s apart of us. I’m a person who holds pretty much everything inside . Until I black out but that’s another post at a later time lol. But on the real I checkout real quick. I was always told that what people say the first time is what they meant the first time. There is no time to take that back so how you felt is how you felt so let’s keep it pushing. Yet we forgive but we will never forget. Oh how things change when shit hits the fan. This goes for everyone, that’s apart of growing and staying true . No holding back. But let’s remember don’t question when someone no longer interact with you the same. Once they check out it’s a wrap. Question do you check out or just whatever?

Unaware

Good morning world, today is Friday before the Mother’s Day weekend begins. As I sit back and reflect on the things that transpired in the last 6 months I realize that people are self absorbed within themselves with the bullshit that comes from them. That they don’t even realize the fucked up shit that comes from their mouths. People get so hyped with their shit that they become ungrateful and rude. However we have to stop acting like we are unaware of it and speak up. NO it’s not ok . Let’s be free and speak what we feel . Stop acting unaware and be aware that you are no longer accepting the bullshit ! My mom never held her tongue neither did my grandma, and grandpa. They always spoke truth. You feel better when you did. They felt that when you act unaware you can never be aware!

FriENDs

How many of us have them!?! A simple question to ask really . How many do we have and do we really feel that they are our friends. Friends come and go which is why the word friend also have the word end in it. It is a relationship that can either stand strong or end wrong ( hey that rhymes lol) . But in all seriousness it is normal to feel away when things go wrong. We also have to be open minded as well. You can’t expect people to do what you would do, which means you can’t get mad if they don’t react the way you would . Also ask yourself are your friends moving in the direction you are moving in life? Sometimes the friends we grew up with or had long term through school moves in different directions than you. Some are good and some are bad. ” birds of a feather flock together”they say. It is true in a sense that you have friends that are not motivating , weak, lazy, just all around fucked up. You tend to follow that path as well. But the friends that are goal getters, life changers pushers . Live at high expectations, motivates you, are the ones that should be around in your life. Know one should settle for less in any relationship . Your friends help lead you to greatness. They tell you the truth even if you don’t want to here it and they are ride or die. You sit back and analyze your friends. You tell yourself who has been there motivating you giving you advice even when you know they are right and you get mad but you knew you needed that. You ask yourself what path am I taking. Remember everyone isn’t your friend . There are a lot of pretenders!

Sometimes you have to sit back to look at!

Good morning world, sometimes you have to sit back to look at how fucked up the world or people can be. Things in our lives sometimes have no meaning until you sit back and look at it from afar. You watch people ways that you didn’t see before until they show you who they are. For example you say something most likely the truth and some will be ok but then some feel away . Well the truth shall set you free. At that moment you sit back to look at how they change the things they use to do 🤔. Then the true self appear . See when your a child you don’t know any better, you don’t know how to look at adults until you become one yourself. The same people who were adults when you were young are now starting to show themselves in a different light when you start speaking truth. They change , they act different. It’s sad but true. But this is why you have to sit back to look at. People will show you who they are eventually.and when that day comes you can just let them burry themselves.

Stress

Good evening people, so it’s been a while . Reason for the title for today’s blog. These past five months have def taken a toll on me. My mind and my well being. I have taken on things that I prob should have thought more about , things that I didn’t think were going to be all on me and things that I knew where going to be on me. All to say that the stress of it all has def taken a toll on my health and my mindset. And with all this i have not really given myself time to really sit back and realize that my grandma is gone and is never coming back .Alopecia has come again and my body has shut down. The last time I have been this sick was when i had the flu years ago. I’m at my end, I’m beginning to be resentful and that’s not good. Stress is a killer and we have to learn how to deal with things to not let stress take us over. Sometimes people don’t care to or just really don’t understand what actions go into becoming stressed. I wrote this post to share that nothing that brings us harm to our mind, body and soul is worth it . We must be able to just pray on it and let God lead us and take that worry away.

There is more than just you!

Good morning people! There is more than just you! Everything can’t always be about you, and that is fine. We have to learn to set aside ourselves to fully understand people and what they have going on. We get so excited about things going on in our lives , which is great but we forget that the people in our lives are going through difficult times, we forget that sometimes. Not like we have to stop living our lives but we def need to learn to not be selfish. Understanding is key.

Dreams

My dreams are so crazy it’s scary . So scary that you think you are living the dream. But guess what I did live that dream. I haven’t slept well since November 23, 2017 5:15am . The worst dream of my life. Speaking to her the night before and cooking to prepare for thanksgiving. Because she always love my cooking because I cook like her. And yes it’s the bomb!! Getting her ride together for her pick up to my house. To wake up to a call the morning saying they can’t get in. My heart stopped . I got in my car and drove to queens. I had to be doing 100 on the southern state and as I’m driving to her house my heart fell to the ground because I know my grandma she is a light sleeper she always pick up the phone. Speciallywhe. Family is coming to the house. I open the door and walk in , I go upstairs and I see her laying there on the floor I felt I died too. I thought i was dreaming seeing her there on the floor never got in her bed just laying there on the dark , never got a chance to even turn the light on. She just fell dead. How can she die ? I wasn’t ready for her to die. We just spoke, I was looking forward to seeing her and feeding her and showing her how well she raised me. She was so proud of me. She raised me well. Yet I wasn’t there to prevent her from dying, if i was there I could have talked to her or even did CPR . I could have saved her. But as she would say it was her time and I honestly feel like she knew it was her time because of the way she was talking to me and how she was talking to me the night before. She told me about how her sister wasn’t calling her like she used to but she was going to find out why. How she was concerned about her house and her bills, But I know why! I’m her child I will always find out why. we talk everyday , who am I going to talk to now. She was my supporter and my life. My kids loved their great gma she was so important. I wish I could have saved her but she laid there all night long dead. Maybe I should have picked her up that night , or maybe I should have called her and stayed on the phone all night and she would have been alive. Why did she have to leave me so soon. . I did pray to the Lord and asked that she would see me get married, have kids and buy a home . But who knew God would be so literal with my request. I wanted her to be around forever ! But He knew best. But why do I dream of her laid on the floor dead every night ? I close my eyes and all I see is her body and face lifeless on the floor on her side . And me laying on the floor with her till the funeral home came. Now I must do what she expects of me.