17

The big ole 17. What a number . Yet let’s talk about that. Me raised in the church from a baby to knowing the bible , getting baptized and loving the Lord . To having a baby at 19. And guess what she turns 17 this year. Going to college and coming home and welcomed by church members of the senior choir asking me if I’m going to keep the baby, yea you read right! Mind you only telling one person before I left for college to come back to the whole church knowing 😒. Church folks that knew me from birth talking abut me like i ain’t shit and saying things like I’m not gonna find out. Makes you think how fucked up a church can be. They turn their backs on you when you know longer fit their needs or expectations on life . When half of them was hoes, crackheads and straight up savages in their day and prob till this day. Know wonder they can’t keep a congregation and broke God don’t like ugly. Which is why i haven’t gone back . Mind you yes I did have both my kids Christened there and the Pastor marry me and my husband at the reception all . All that was done out of respect for my Grandmother. other than that we would have had a judge . Yep I said it that is how i feel . To have been there for so long I was there when we had great people even when we had a pastor that divided the church and come to find out he wasn’t even an ordained minister yet he brainwashed members and the church divided . It wasn’t the same since. Yet they got a new one but he wasn’t their first choice but he made due. But hey it,God’s plan right?This is why I don’t go back there and why I am so questioning joining other churches because I can’t believe “Christians ” can be so fucked up. And why I have a sour taste for “that church ” people always say their is a dm dark cloud over that place all the time. We all should wonder why. The big 17 is a great number my child is healthy and loved and live in a loving home that her ” parents ” provides ” ! This is my story if you don’t like it that’s not my problem, the truth hurts don’t it !!

Is it me?

Hey everyone ! So is it just me that take sad movies to the next level? I feel like when you watch movies and you cry it’s because something in that movie made you think of something in your life in a different way. Like you every watch a romance sad movie and cry. I feel like we don’t cry only because it’s sad but because we are lacking what really matters in that movie that makes us sad and cry. Do you agree? Or nah?

“The Scare”

Life! What is life when you don’t live it!?! Well in life we go through things that we can’t explain or rather not explain. We keep moments In our lives that’s scary to ourselves. When people see you they have know clue what your going through because you don’t look like your going through anything. Just because someone looks alright doesn’t mean they are alright. I have had people say what they need from me yet they don’t ask what I need from them. Assuming that everything in my life is A ok! They must be mistaken. Well about 6-7 years ago i had the worst scare of my life complaining about pain in my breast to blood coming out my nipples. Only to have immediate surgery scheduled the very next week. Come to find out It wasn’t cancer but it was a papilloma that would have turned into cancer if I didn’t say a word. My hair literally fell out, I had alopecia from the stress . Who would of thought that this could happen to me? Well it did but God had other plans for my life. Having complications with my wound , having to get it drained and packed for two weeks wasn’t fun. All of this going on while I still lived my life as usual no time for the pity but i will tell you that I will not forget who was there! We never forget who. Moving forward to present day. February here we go again same pain in the same breast as before , but this time there is a nice size lump i felt. What is going through my mind is not a good thing but I had my faith in the Lord to pull me through whatever it would be. Having to do a mammogram, sonogram and then a Biopsy to figure out what what growing or what was just chilling in my breast. This has been a terrible terrible month and just nerve recking to think the worst. Thinking about my kids, my husband . Worrying about if I have enough life insurance ,do i need more. ?All these things come to mind when you think of the worst. I couldn’t call my mom nor my grandma cause they are gone. So petty much I just called on the Lord. Here I am back at it again I asked why me? Thinking of all the things that is going on in my life this year I definitely didn’t need this. But God had more plans for my life this time because all care back clear. What a relief but that doesn’t stop me from being scared because I’m on watch . I write this to make everyone aware that you must take care of yourself. Check yourself, go to the doctor. Early detection is better than late . Be kind to others because you don’t know what a person is going through. Everyone has their struggles and we have to respect it. My family and health will always come first. I will no longer stress about things that are not in my control.

Grandma

It took me almost 3 months to write this post ! You think you have more time but let me tell you, time don’t care for you. I thought I had more time gone with her to love her to show her how I turned out but God had more plans for her than me.

My grandma was my heart and soul she raised me because my mother and father couldn’t . She showed me things that I didn’t think I would have ever seen. She kept me safe and in church . She maid me laugh and cry and love. She was strict but as an adult I understand why. God made sure she was able to see me get married , have kids, buy a house .My grandma was my mother and father . She was my heart and soul, my everything .

On November 22nd I was taking to her about arrangements on her getting to my house for Thanksgiving dinner and what I was making . I was so excited because she loves my cooking of course because I cook like her and let’s just say I cook my ass off . Thanks Grandma for that lol. And her baby sister and nieces and Nephew was coming from North Carolina. As well she she was really happy.

My heart nearly stopped when I got a call that she did pick up her phone when my great aunt called to say they where here. They called me and i led my house with no bra I didn’t even brush my teeth I got in my car an drove to her house in queens. I was flying doing almost 100 mph getting to her house because I knew something wasn’t right . I got to her house, opened her door and went upstairs to find her dead , gone, cold, lifeless on the floor in my grandpas room.

This was the worst day of my life . I just spoke with her. We talk everyday. Why today? Why now? WhY did she leave me? Thanksgivings day I find her dead gone from my life ! She is never coming back, I will never hear her voice again, I will never smell her scent, hug her, talk to her ,laugh with her . Talk to her about her Great Grands.

My heart it broken, I have dreams of seeing her dead every night . It’s just not right. I question God on why he had to take her from me now. Why he had to take her before I can get all my time in? I’m so lost its not even a game . I honestly don’t know what to do without her . She was all i had besides my kids and husband . Who am I going to talk to on my way home from work everyday ?life is just not the same. Anymore .

Her funeral was so packed , the church was packed and the balcony was full she shined light on people lives for long term . Students she taught Sunday school too came to her funeral . People I haven’t seen in years came . She was loved and missed. So many people Came that the guest book you needed two – three books .

Writing thank you letters is so final for me I’m just now starting to write out cards for people. It’s not easy and I refuse to be rushed . At the end of the day I must get my life in order for her. To continue to make her proud ! My life has not been the same since Thanksgiving

Finding me within myself!

Good morning all!

It has been a long time since I Blessed y’all with a post . A lot has happened within the past few months but I will fill you all in later.

I don’t know if y’all know but I have been struggling with my weight for about 9 years(officially ). It has been a very hard journey and nothing has happened to solve this issue. I have children my first child I was very young and the weight did come off some but not to what I was before her. At that time I could still recognized myself. And I was cool with that. Years after I got engaged and started planning our wedding. Things were ok at first.I got my dress and it was falling off of me which was so great. But that’s when things changed. I was stressed trying to make things right and that’s when I realized I was an emotional eater. Some women lose weight when stressed and some gain. Well I gained and when I say I gained I mean when it was time for my fittings they didn’t have to take in much at all. I pretty much filled into the dress. So this was the beginning of my downfall. We had our son and the pregnancy went well, however I was gaining weight . When I gave birth I had postpartum depression. Having my son I was so happy he is my pride and joy however I felt alone. Some people do t understand postpartum, they don’t get it until they go through it themselves. I came down a little with the eight but I have been in that weight zone going on 9 years now. The weight has not come off and I feel myself stretching . My clothes don’t fit right I don’t like shopping g for clothes because i know they won’t look the way I want them too. Skinny people irritate me lol. It’s a whole mess .

People say the dumbest shit like how can you feel alone when you have a husband and kids and a home and a dog? Or they would say you nothing to be down or stressed about! Yea ok just because someone has the “American dream family” doesn’t mean your life is glitter and gold. Life period will fuck you up period.

But what I had to find was myself inside of me. Finding that place inside of me that motivated me to be and do better . To feel better because you can’t feel better if you don’t motivate yourself to feel better. I always care about things that I shouldn’t care about. Letting small stuff get me down . You gotta be strong and fight the fight of health and wealth. If I want to live I need to act like I want to live instead of feeding myself like I want to die. And that’s how you find yourself within yourself fighting for your life to live ! Be free

Who you with?

Good evening people! So this post today is touching on a subject that is a common thing in life to some, since I keep hearing about these things let’s talk about it. Lets get some understanding and peace.

Some are married , in a relationship or just friends with benefits, however you choose to live your life is your business and yours alone. However let’s talk about the life struggle here. When you are with someone should you struggle if the other person isn’t? Y’all together right? So why should one go through the struggle while the other is living the life? How are y’all bills holding up who pays what who pays more? Should there be a split if the other don’t make the same to split? Some people have different answers but hmmm I’m wondering if it’s the true answer or the answer you want people to be ok with. 

This is a everyday question for everyone period. Life ain’t easy but I can tell you this much people show you who they are or how they feel about you when they don’t care or let you go though shit when you don’t have too. Meaning ain’t no man or woman gonna let their partner struggle when they aren’t . PERIOD !!!  Ain’t no man or woman who is the primary breadwinner gonna let their partner take on more bills in the house than them knowing their partner don’t equal. PERIOD!! If they do then in my opinion they don’t give a shit how it hurts you. And that’s just an obvious visual of how they feel about you.  At he end of the day we should def so appreciation to everyone who keeps the household flowing. You want balance in the household. A balanced household is a healthy household a happy household. Let’s all have that. But I want to hear some opinions from men and woman on their thoughts on this. 

Have you thought!?!

Happy Sunday everyone, let’s not forget to be kind and thoughtful!!  Ahhh “thoughtful” some people don’t even know what this word even means. Life to some is I I I. But we continue to move on with life and do what we are suppose to do. Some of you may not know but I have had surgery on my right breast. This was a couple of years ago but it still makes me scared and nerveous because of what was taken out of me. People who were around me during that time weren’t t there for me. But I didn’t let that anger me I just moved on. Thank God for my mom who brought food watched the baby and my daughter and took care of me. Thank God for my husband who was  there supporting me. I couldn’t move my arm for a week nor lift my baby because of everything. If my doctor didn’t do the surgery to remove my duct I would be getting treatment or worst a mastectomy. I say this because people are so quick to think that their issues hold more merit than anyone else’s troubles. And that’s not true we all go through things in our lives that we wish people were there for but let’s be clear it’s not the support you want it’s sometimes the support you need. No one knows what another person is going through in their lives when you are going through things. People just assume that everyone is avail at every beck and call. NOT! This goes for everyone . I sometimes fall in that category but then I remember that I don’t know what people are going through . Just because people don’t tell you doesn’t mean they aren’t going through things . This isn’t a pity party but just helping to bring awareness to LIFE. Let’s also not forget what people , and ourselves have done in the past. Life isn’t perfect, we as people aren’t perfect let’s remember that. Sometimes a text or a call is what some need. THANK ABOUT IT! 

Thinking

Good evening everyone, just sitting here thinking. You know when your sitting around thinking about your life and just shit on the ref. Well yea that’s me all day everyday. I’m always thinking . My mind is constantly thinking and never relaxed. Maybe that’s why I drink so much to relax my mind. There are so many things I want to do but just can’t find a way to do it. Or just plain ole scared. You ever sit back and look at the outline of what you have done to what you had planned on doing? Why do we get so confused at things? Why can’t things be simple? I guess success never comes easy! Do anyone ever think of these things ?

Letting go

Some of us knows what it feels like to keep holding on to things that happen in life. We must learn to let go of some of those things. It’s a learning process and a very big one at that. Over the last weekend I was with family as we layed to rest one of our family members. As I was there I saw a person that I know longer communicate with. This person at one time was very close and also was my sons Godmother. Life happens and we are no longer on any level period. However on that day I said hello and offered a hug , only because I was over everything and why should I be bitter over something that had nothing to do with me but of what someone’s guilt brought them. Someone who has problems with everyone, you would began to think that that person should now look at herself considering she is always at odds with people. We are not perfect, I’m not perfect and my only fault in this situation was allowing her to be involved in my life period. Why should I have to force someone to be involved?  At the end of the day we have to learn to let things go. Funny saying this person was so nasty during that sad time yet calls herself a “Christian” . But I didn’t let that stop me from speaking and forcing a hug 😂😂 maybe that was a bit to much but I’m a softy .  The reason behind this post is to tell everyone that we must let go of things that no longer bring value in our lives.  We must let go of people who are selfish and not willing to work towards things. In the end you block your blessings. 

Protective 

Growing up I was an only child, no siblings on neither side. Just me myself and I lol. My grandparents had me on lock down something serious. So bad that I could barely hang out with my own cousins. It was so bad. It was school, church, dinner and bed. It didn’t help that I went to private school. Everything was uniformed conditioned and just right according to my grandmother . She didn’t want me to do nothing and now I understand why but what she doesn’t understand now is how that affects me today! You would think that when I became an adult i would become a wild woman.  All over the place, well it was the complete opposite. I’m a homebody as they call it. I rather relax and be home than be out because that is all I know. I have friends but I don’t have many and majority of my friends are from church. Let’s talk about why that is. Well growing up in catholic school we moved on to the next grade with the class you started with until you graduate. Now most of them I’m still friends with and cool. However when it was time for high school the time where you really start knowing yourself it’s different . Well first off I went to an all girl high school 👀. Let’s take that in lol the first year was cool I was able to meet some really cool people, but these people already had their friends because they had all went to the same elementary and middle school together so relationships where already in place so I was the outcast ( which is how I felt) I had friends in class some really cool ones but I still felt empty. Not because of them but because of my upbringing I didn’t know what to do. 10th grade was the year I started caring how I looked and they way my skirt was folded above my knees lol. Things started to look up for me. I thought I was gonna have lifetime friends start going out to the movies and just being a teenager but low and behold my school decided that my 10 grade year was the last year for the entire school and shut it down. Shit just got real. While I’m thinking I’m gonna go to the school my friends were going too , my grandma and uncle decided different and enrolled me into public school😔.There I go scared as hell because I never been to public school ever. I barely fit in where I was now I have to fit in here! Now all those friendships that were blooming now decided slowly die cause now I’m know longer in the crowd. Public school wasn’t so bad but like before everyone already had their friends and I was just the “who’s that girl”?  Basically didn’t really have the teen life i was dreaming about. Which is the whole purpose of this post. Are you protective parents? Do you let your children live and gain friends and learn themselves? let them be social? Please let them have a life they dreamed about. Don’t let them become the homebody and empty spirited. Of course rules are important but living is as well.