Why lawd why!

My grandma always had me doing some off the wall shit. Like did I really have to go to this camp? She would tell me I need to be social and meet people . Well I don’t want to stay with a family I don’t know for two weeks. This year I went to this camp called Fresh air fund. They had me stay with a family with kids for two weeks and it was the longest two weeks I have ever had. They were nice but very different, they had two boys and one girl she was about a year or two older than me. I was chocolate they were vanilla. They had no tvs and they lived a nice house. I was bored as hell because I had my barbies at home that I rather play with. The only thing I enjoyed about that was the community pool. The mom cooked everyday and wouldn’t let anyone have desert unless they cleaned their plate. I didn’t get desert often because she couldn’t cook , the food was nasty as hell. One dish looked like an oversized spam. My grandmother never feed me that crap. I always had good good home cooked food from scratch. Not that nasty stuff. I cried at night because I wanted to go home. I couldn’t wait to go home I was ready. Why was I being tortured? That’s what I felt, like I was being punished or a way for grandma and granddad to get rid of me. But it came to an end and I was thankful, but let’s just say I never went back there again! They wrote me a couple of times asking to come the following summer , I threw those letters out because I knew I wasn’t going and I could care less. 

Acrylic 

 
What is that smell? It smells so bad but it looks interesting. Its nail time. Mommy always does her nails when she has company. But what is that burning smell? Her eyes are so wide and she is so nice when she does her nails. I wish she did them everyday. She is happy when she does her nails, but I’m hungry though I want ask her to eat but I don’t want mess up her nail time. 

There is this glass object in this brown paper bag, what is it? It looks funny and its burnt.it also has baby powder in a little glass. Can I use this on my Barbie?  My mommy takes it from me and said it was her friend. I ask was it a toy? She had no answer. My mommy sleeps all day an smokes cigarettes all day and im hungry.

 My grandma calls downstairs and ask what is that burning smell. My mom yells nothing it’s my nail stuff. Grandma was always angry at mommy , I don’t know why.My grandma takes me and feeds me. She then takes me to church with her every Sunday.

We suggest!

“Slut” that’s what I called her. Her as in my 4th grade teacher I called her a fuckin slut. She used to get on my nerves all the time, pick on me and she wasn’t very nice. She got me so angry I snapped on her. Of course it wasn’t so great when I got home because grandma already got the call. Yep I was in trouble had to apologize and everything but I felt like why did I have to, she was picking on me and being nasty to me so I gave her what she deserve. That’s what I thought but I did apologize but for some reason she was nice to me from then on. Maybe that’s what she needed. That was the beginning of my anger issues. Eventually I knew it would show its face and it did. Me holding in my thought for too long resulted in this inner person inside of me that could no longer hold it in. So of course the counselor suggested to my grandma I go to a therapist. Ok so now I have to see some lady I don’t know and I honestly didn’t feel like telling her nothing. She knew my family history anyway so why did I have to talk to her about it? I didn’t understand so of course I said nothing and was nasty to her because I didn’t want to be there. Every Tuesday going to see her was a drag . All I wanted to do was play with my dolls and do their hair.

So here I am cause issues being a bother because now my grandmother had to drive me to elmhurst for therapy. Now I feel bad because now I’m a bigger burden. Not only did she take care of me but now she has to take me places because of my actions.

During this time in school I was active in church, choir, Girl Scouts etc. I loved and hated it all the time. I wanted to sleep in, I hand no time to get up on my weeekends going to rehearsal. I rather sleep in, I didn’t really care about nothing. But of course I had to get up or I would have to hear my grandma whine with the bull. Even  granddaddy got mad at her whining she used to get on his nerves with all her pray crating and crazyness. lol I think this is when I realized that some stuff I just couldn’t believe it just didn’t feel right. But I went ahead with it. I felt like she was just to dramatic it would get on my nerves like she was not sincere with all that pray crying I called it. It was a bit too much for me. But what ever it is what it is in my eyes I could care less. But this was one of the things I did tell my therapist, that it bothered me but when we would meet with grandma , grandma wouldn’t listen. She didn’t care and that’s how I felt. It didn’t matter what I said because when it was brought to her attention she didn’t care, so why bother. This was an ongoing thing every week, nothing was resolved. But what I wanted to know was why didn’t my parents want me around them. Was I such a bad child that they couldn’t take care of me? So that’s when I decided I should just keep everything in and don’t say nothing and maybe they would come back to be with me. But things changed , they changed so drastic that I didn’t know what was going on until later in life. My actions had a reaction so I thought. Off to the city we go! Stay tuned 

Elementary

During this time of my life it was very confusing and very difficult to understand what was really going on. All I knew was that every year I had to go to this big building with a lot of people. Questions beyond questions. What was I supposed to do I was a child. Mommy went to live in Buffalo for a while, me and grandad went to visit  christmas for a couple of years. It was fun but I was sad I had to leave but at least I got more presents when I got home , it was like I had Christmas twice.

Every month I had a visitor , she came ever month and I was so annoyed that she had to come. Why was she asking me questions about if I was happy? Why did she ask my grandma about me all the time, about my mom ? It was none of her business I thought. All I wanted to do was play with my barbies and keep it moving lol. She was nice though , pretty and young. She came with us every year to this big building and sometimes my mom was there too. This person in this long robe would ask me questions about my mom and dad , I would answer but really didn’t know if my answers was what he wanted because nothing changed when I went home.

Around this time of my life I used to see my dad once in a while. He would always send stuff to the house or give grandma money so that I could have what I want. He called me princess. I thought that this was the way things were. I didn’t think anything negative because I was too young to understand . But mom and dad yelled at each other and then they were apart and then I was separated from them. That’s how my mind thought. Maybe I did something wrong , to cause all the yearly meetings and monthly visits from strangers. I felt like I was the cause of this and that’s when I began to get angry with everyone! I wasn’t a happy child at all, I was miserable and sad. But being an angry child you would think I would lash out, sometimes but most of the time I kept all my feelings in and this was the beginning of everything to come. 

Holding my feelings, my thoughts, my wants and needs. I was afraid to say how I felt because I felt if I did it would cause an issue and I would be separated from my family, like they separated me from my mom and dad. During this time I was in a dark place at 7-8 years of age and that’s not a great thing. Plus being an only child didn’t help either. The only person I could play with was myself or my cousins whenever my grandmother felt I could go play. It was either school , church, or home. I thought this is how life was suppose to be , no social life just those 3 things . Stay tuned !

1987

For the first time I felt alive, alert. Who am I? I can talk and understand responses. This is the year I was 5 and in kindergarten and I was in Catholic school. I had to wear a uniform and dress shoes and of course some thick ass tights lol. This was the year that started everything about me. How I looked at people, how I spoke, how I walked. My grandmother would drop me off to school and pick me up but I remember that for a while she didn’t. This was the year she had a mastectomy , and all I knew she was gone and  came back but missing a breast. My Aunt Bea always came when needed. She took care of me and grandpa while grandma was away. I don’t know where my mom was but i do know where I was. Grandma came home I was so happy that I slammed my finger in the door smh so of course the crying, the blood and the drama, but grandma still came and hugged me first because I was her baby. She didn’t care of her pain or discomfort she cared about me. This is when I really didn’t know why things where the way it was, all I know is this was the beginning of  knowing. Mom came home and I was so happy to see her but the top lock was on the door and my grandpa was yelling and my mom was yelling for me but I couldn’t get to her, or hug her I didn’t see her again for awhile. But strangely there were a woman that started to visit , I didn’t know her but she asked a lot of questions. I just wanted my mommy and know one else. What was happening to my life at this time I didn’t know but I find out a couple years later. Stay tuned!

Funeral!

December 12th “D” day , I had to go to the funeral home right away to get things started. What an emotional ride to leave you dead mother to now go to plan her funeral. I get there and of course my gma is there and for some reason (well I know why) I was so angry at her (my grandmother) I was furious because of the things she was saying at that time. My mother always said she wanted to be creamated and I wanted to fulfill her wishes but I also wanted her to have the best home going possible. My grandmother on the other hand wanted the cheapest way out and be done with it. 🤔 this is your daughter right? Smh. Before the undertaker could even open his mouth with packages the first thing that came out of her mouth was “I don’t have any money” . Ok that’s fine know one asked you for that, because I’m her daughter so according to the law I am responsible, however that was uncalled for. I remember my mom taking out a policy , where that policy and the amount, was unknown. I picked what I wanted and went home, my cousin , husband and family friend helped to find the policy and we were good. However the policy was good but it wasn’t enough to cover all the cost. Now this is Christmas season, I have the kids that my mom loved so so much to think of and also my mom. I needed to find a way to help with tha cost and someone told me about a gofundme. Being that my grandmother wasn’t helping I had no other choice. So all I needed was $650 and thank God people really donated and I was grateful and blessed. I put the rest of the money. I didn’t feel right asking for so much so i just asked for just a little help. God helped with the rest. Now it was time to find her outfit, wig, flowers and all other stuff and of course I had to clean her room for family. It was a mess. All of her stuff in one room was crazy she had so much stuff lol. I found pictures, and what nots and all of the little things that were funny to me, she was a trip. Church folks came that night and like I said before I was so angry at everything. But what really set it off was when the church folks came, my grandmother is there her usual self dramatic and all. And everyone is all over her which is to be expected but what about me? I’m her daughter her only daughter. But what got the fire going was as the church folks are in the house talking to grandma she says ” well Shannon is really my daughter I raised her and adopted her so Cassie is really her sister” they looked at her like know this lady didn’t. I was red my husband had to carry me upstairs so I wouldn’t snap. Who does that? Regardless if you raised me or adopted me doesn’t mean she isn’t my mother, you just helped me stay out the system. But anyway the church folks were in shock that my grandmother went there. Also she was mad that she had no say yet she didn’t want to help anyway. So I decided to have the funeral on December 19th , the pastor of the church didn’t want to give me an evening slot and only wanted me to have it in the morning. I really didn’t want to have a morning service because I felt that it wouldn’t be a big turnout because people work. People are more likely to come in the evening after work. So some church folks worked it out so that I could change the time but of course with a price. The pastor basically told me that yea you can have it in the evening by here are my conditions. You must start at this time, one viewing so once the casket was closed he will not reopen it one last time. I said ok not a problem. Funny because my grandmother has gone to that church since 1958 but who am I. Anyway, I took it and moved on. This time was not the best time and you actually see who is by your side including family. I have def cut friends off and actually family off! It’s funny how you see people true intentions at a wedding and a funeral. Laying my mom to rest was the hardest thing to do. She is no longer physically here and that’s what sucks. What really sucks is the insensitive words that were shot at me during this time. Stay tuned for more.

Pain! 

So, some of you may know that I lost my mom 2 years ago December 12th. We had what you call a love hate relationship for reasons I will explain in a future post. But I loved her so much and I love her so much I’m in so much pain that I can’t talk to her, see her or even be mad at her lol. She used to drive me so crazy I would get a headache just talking to her sometimes but in the end I still missed her when we hung up or when she hung up on me lol. Growing up she didn’t raise me. My grandparents raised me, but she was there at times. When I was young I didn’t really understand the difference of her not rasing me I just thought we were a big family in one house. Anyway, my mom have been sick for years but the year she died that time was unexpected but expected (I’ll explain later). I remember the last weekend seeing her. My husband and I dropped off our kids to her and we went to my bestfriends 40th birthday party. We had a great time and the next day I picked them up and she was mad at me because I didn’t give her what she asked for (money). We had words and I walked out, that was the last time I ever spoke to her again. That Wednesday I’m at work and my grandma is calling me, she never calls me during work it’s normally in the evening so of course I pick up. She is crying telling me my “mom isn’t breathing the ambulance just picked her up you have to go to the hospital “. So I’m pissed and worried because my grandma can be abut dramatic so I took it lightly. As I arrived to the hospital and saw my mother laying there having seizers I was sick with pain. I could not believe what I was seeing. I thought I was in a dream, this could not be happening. That was not my mother. I could not deal with this. Being an only child who was I going to talk to that could understand this pain.So the doctors call me over asking me questions on her history and of course I tell them. They then tell me that she had a heartattack and was out of oxygen for over 10 mins. She was now in a medical induced coma. What was I to do, all I did was pray for God to give me mother another chance at life. I wanted her to hear me and curse me out again lol. I wanted to be with her and hug her like old times. During this time I was very very angry and numb. I had to make a choice and it was a hard choice to make.53 years old is to young to die, I couldn’t comprehend what to do. Everyday I was at the hospital from the morning to the evening. I had the kids to worry about and a husband . I knew they were ok but I still thought of them. She laid there lifeless and everyone who knew my mother she was far from that. She had so much life and she was funny too. She was my mom. She gave me life but know I had to choose to keep hers or end it. This was the choice I had to make and a hard one it was. I decided to let her be free. That day was December 10th she was officially on hospice care, I watched them remove the tubes and she laid there trying to breathe. My grandma (her mom)was with me, we were each others support.  During this time my church family and my cousins were with me during the hospital visits and emotionally during this time. On Thursday the 11th I took grandma with me to see her , she was so peaceful and looked like she had life. She was breathing so nicely and color was good ,she was glowing. I wanted to bring the kids to see her so I took my grandmother home and my aunt came to stay with my mom overnight. I was gonna bring the kids up after I got home from work the next day. As I’m driving my grandma home a “Mary Mary” song called “it is well” played in my car and I thought this song played for a long time longer than usual but I didn’t think of nothing. I was still numb and in pain. Friday December 12th I’m at work with a patient and she was getting on my nerves so much that I asked a co worker to take over. I get back to my desk and my phone is going off like crazy! Mind you I spoke to the doc a hour before to check on her. Called the doc back and as she was talking my heart fell from my body. I felt lifeless, numb, hurt, sad. I could not deal with this pain nor what I was hearing, even though I know it was going to happen I just thought I had one more time to see her. I drove to the hospital by the grace of God because I wasn’t driving mentally I was in the twilight zone. I saw my mom laying there sleeping with he angels and peaceful. I laid with her until her body turned cold. I didn’t want to leave her. I needed to be with her she needed me. What was I going to do now that she is gone. Who am I going to vent to and speak freely with. Who was I gonna called to talk about our shows. Who was gonna get on my nerves. I was officially an orphan. My pain hurts so bad, it’s Pain that you can’t understand unless you have experienced this. This is my truth, my testimony, part of my pain. 

Faces

So many times I’m asked “what’s wrong?”. I normally say nothing but my face always gives its away. It doesn’t matter how much I try to hide or change my face but it’s just gonna be what it is. What can be done to fix that problem? Anyone besides me understands my pain lol?